


Delicious

by darkavengerz (darkavenger)



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-31
Updated: 2014-01-31
Packaged: 2018-01-10 15:45:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1161603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkavenger/pseuds/darkavengerz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter's birthday is coming up, and Wade's got him the perfect gift...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Delicious

“It's your birthday next week?!”

“Uh, yeah,” Peter says mildly, staring across the breakfast table at Wade in faint confusion – not because he's confused that Deadpool clearly forgot his birthday was coming up– Wade has problems remembering what day of the week it is after all, let alone remembering a day that only comes round once a year – but because Wade looks genuinely horrified at the prospect. “Don't worry, we don't have to do anything big. I'm not expecting anything, honestly, but it'd be nice if we could spend the day together.”

A piece of half-chewed bacon drops out of Wade's open mouth and onto the table. He still looks absolutely gob-smacked, and Peter really isn't sure why. “You have a _birthday?”_

“Yes...” Peter says slowly, wondering if today is the day when Wade's grip on reality, which is tenuous at best, is finally lost completely. “Why wouldn't I have a birthday?”

“I don't know,” Wade says, nose scrunching, bunching the fabric of the mask rolled over it. “You're the Spider-Man, ya know? Maybe you were like, hatched or something?”

Peter huffs and rolls up the newspaper he was reading to whack Wade over the head with. “You do realise I'm not actually a spider, right? I just have the powers of one.”

“Uhh....” Wade looks a little sheepish.

“ _Really?”_ Peter yelps. “You've met my aunt – does she look part arachnid to you?”

“You could have been adopted!” Wade says defensively.

“And you were okay sleeping with a man who – to your knowledge – was part _bug_?”

Wade grins irrepressibly. “Wouldn't be the first interspecies romance I've partaken in.”

“ _Please_ be talking about aliens,” Peter says, shutting his eyes and pressing his fingers to the bridge of his nose, pained.

“Aliens,” Deadpool confirms cheerfully. “I've boldly gone where no earth-man has gone before, I've breached the final frontier, I've -”

“Stop!” Peter begs. “Please. I don't have the stomach for your sexual exploits this early in the morning.”

Wade hums acknowledgement, and, picking up the slobbery bacon from the table, chucks it back in his mouth. He seems to have recovered from the shock of finding out his boyfriend is actually human and to not be too disappointed at the discovery. “So... birthday boy. What d'you want for your birthday? Last year for my birthday I went to laser tag. Talk about a let-down, those lasers couldn't melt ice! And then I got kicked out for breaking the rules – I told 'em, all's fair in love and laser tag but they just wouldn't listen!” 

“Poor baby,” Peter says indulgently, munching the last of the toast. He doesn't want to know what the hell Wade did. 

“I know right? You'd think they'd appreciate me making things a little more exciting, after all danger is the spice of life, ammirite?”

“That's variety” Peter corrects. He really doesn't want to know.

“Variety is good too,” Wade agrees. His eyes light up. “Hey, actually Peter, speaking of variety and spice, I was on the internet and I found this website -”

“What kind of website?” Peter interrupts.”If it's anything like that last website I caught you on, the answer is still no. I'm flexible, but I'm not _that_ flexible.” 

“Nah, this is _way_ better!” Wade says, grinning. Peter feels his butt cheeks clench with trepidation. Wade has a lot of ideas and most of them involve Peter's ass in some way.

“It's like this kit, and you make a mould of your dick, or in this case, my dick, and then you make a dildo using the cast!” Wade explains gleefully. “Think about it, Petey! You'll never have to be without my dick again! Even when I'm away on business, you can still cuddle up in bed with my dick inside you!” He bounces up and down in his seat, unable to contain his enthusiasm at what he clearly thinks is a very thoughtful offer. “What d'you think, huh?”

“Um,” Peter stalls, trying to think of a delicate way to refuse a replica Deadpool dick. “That sounds more like a gift you'd like,Wade.”

“Eh?” Wade says. “I already have my dick, Petey, I don't need a replica. And if I wanted, I could always just chop it off and then I'd have two! A detachable one for extra fun! I mean, it'd get manky after a bit but -”

“Don't even think about giving me your severed dick,” Peter warns. “In fact, lets make that a rule – no body parts!”

“Does that include toenail clippings?” Wade asks.

“Yes,” Peter says firmly.

Wade sighs and looks downhearted, prodding glumly at his scrambled eggs.

“If you really want to make me something, then go for it,” Peter says, giving in. “Just nothing involving body parts – yours _or_ other people's.”

“Sweet!” Wade crows, grinning more manically than usual. “I'm gonna make you the best gift ever.” 

“Awesome,” Peter says, smiling a little desperately. _What have I let myself in for?_

 

It's a week later, and Peter's realising too late that he probably shouldn't have invited Aunt May over to give him his gift before he's opened Wade's, because now, of course, she expects him to open it at the same time.

“Thanks, Aunt May,” he says, smiling with genuine pleasure as he unwraps her present to him – a gift voucher for two tickets to the cinema.

“I'm sorry it's not much,” his aunt says, looking pained. “I wish I could have got you something better.”

“You didn't need to get me anything,” Peter says warmly, crossing the living room to hug her. “I've already got everything I want right here.” He smiles at her, and glances over at Wade, soft, silly smile still stretching his face. He means it. Despite his misgivings, despite his worry that Wade's gift is going to traumatise or otherwise distress Aunt May, it's good to have them both here.

Wade scoffs, getting out of his armchair and crossing over to lounge against the arm of Aunt May's chair. “Yeah, you might want to wait until you've opened my gift to say there's nothing more you want or need.” In a loud whisper, he adds, “Saving the best for last, eh Petey?”

“More like delaying the inevitable,” Peter murmurs. Aunt May giggles, then straightens her face, shooting Peter a look. _Don't hurt his feelings,_ the look says _, he made it himself, for you. It's the thought that counts._

Peter plasters on a brave smile. “So, Wade! Where's my gift?”

Wade smirks and pulls a present out from behind his back with a flourish, handing it over.

“Thanks?” Peter says, taking it gingerly. The package ( _heh, package,_ thinks the part of his brain that hangs out with Deadpool too often) is small and kinda squishy, and Peter wonders where exactly Wade had kept it stored. “Is the paper meant to be greasy?” he asks, too bemused to be more tactful.

“Yeah, I didn't think about that when wrapping it,” Wade shrugs. “Now open it! The anticipation is killing me, or it will be soon! You know I'm not good at delaying my gratification, Petey!”

“O-okay,” Peter stammers, gingerly unwrapping the gift. He can't bring himself to look at Aunt May as he peels away the layers of wrapping paper (which have Deadpool's logo all over them, where the hell did he even get this stuff made on such short notice? Unless he already had a roll of custom print wrapping paper for just such an occasion?).

“Wow,” Peter says, staring down. _Well, it's not a sex toy of some sort, or a war-trophy_. In fact, given all of the possibilities, it's a surprisingly normal gift. Peter's oddly almost disappointed; he'd got himself all worked up for “- bacon? Thanks?” He pokes it cautiously, just to check it really is bacon and that Wade hadn't broken the terms of their agreement. It looks and feels just like ordinary bacon, and Peter forces himself to have faith that it is just regular, pig-derived bacon. “Erm, that's really thoughtful of you, Wade...” Though why Wade had thought Peter would appreciate some cold, greasy bacon, Peter couldn't guess.

“Oh, bacon,” Aunt May nods with perfect understanding, then adds sagely,“Peter likes bacon.”

“It's not just bacon, Peter! What's wrong with you? Why the hell would I be giving you just bacon?!” Wade snorts,shaking his head like he can't believe Peter would think so little of him. “Lift it up.”

Peter obediently lifts a slice, eyebrows creasing as the other slices come too. They're all linked, and now he's looking he can see they're sewn together to form some kind of weird bacon hat. Possibly a bacon hat anyway. “Wow,” he tries to sound enthusiastic. “You want me to wear this?”

“Oh, Wade, I didn't know you could sew,” Aunt May coos.

“Yeah,” Wade says, bashful. “And duh, Peter. Don't you see how genius this is! I was trying to think of the perfect gift, and of course, I thought lingerie. Duh! It's the gift that keeps giving! And then I was trying to think about what materials to use, and then it hit me! Tortillas, to hold your buritto!”

“Uh -” Peter begins. He's not sure how he feels about Wade describing his dick as a burrito. He's seen the way Wade eats those.

“But tortillas rip really easy, so I had to think of a sturdier material. Bacon's kinda like leather, right? I mean, it was still difficult to sew it all together, but I did it! Do you like it?” Wade peers at Peter hopefully.

Peter can't say no to that face. “It's great,” he says. “I – I love it.” And the truth is he really really does, because Wade made this for him.

“Awesome,” Wade says with deep satisfaction. “I mean, I knew you would, but it's good to hear. I can't wait to eat them off you later tonight!”

Peter freezes, blood rushing to his face.

“Oh my,” Aunt May says, looking deeply amused. “I should probably get going, clearly you both have a busy evening planned.”

“Wait -” Peter begins. His face fills like its on fire.

“That's a gal,” Wade says, grinning. “Let yourself out.” He leans down and plants a kiss on May's cheek. She giggles and pats him affectionately, before leaning over to hug Peter.

“'Bye Peter, have a happy birthday!”

“Oh, he will,” Wade grins, licking his lips hungrily.

Peter gulps.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this is. Blame icarusforgotten for everything (that's what I do anyway).


End file.
